Long Feared Monkey Uprising Quelled By Offer Of Fresh Fruit
Submitted by YOUR NEW REALITY
Robot/Monkey Anti-Human Coalition Feared
By Darryl Mason
Nature’s War On Humans has suddenly shifted into pants-dampening new territory with the news that monkeys are taking our guns from us. Monkeys have clearly learned they will need to arm themselves to see victory in their revolution against us Uprights.
Obviously I was wrong to live only in fear of the Sentient Robot Uprising while seething helplessly at the rising death toll from Nature’s War On Humans. Something far worse than those two distinct battlefronts could easily shift into reality : an anti-human coalition between monkeys and robots.
We must now stop all interaction between robots and monkeys before the robots begin pointing out just how vulnerable and ripe for overthrow we humans actually are. We must not allow robots to build secret training camps to transform those monkeys already showing anti-human tendencies into even more lethal insurgents.
How pissed off do you think monkeys are going to be when they find out just how many of their kind are held captive by humans in zoos all over the world? We don’t make them smoke cigars and ride bicycles much anymore, but there are still tens of thousands of their poo-throwing brothers and sisters behind bars all over this planet, incarcerated almost solely for the pleasure and amusement of humans.
What happens when robot UAVs start dropping cases of AK-47s into monkey enclosures? It only takes one smart monkey in a zoo to pick up a machine gun and start laying waste to humans before the rest realise what those noisy black sticks can do and arm themselves as well.
We have no choice but to ramp up both our War On Nature and the War On Smart Robots.
It’s only a matter of time before the robots begin secret monkey-clone breeding programs, through which they will brain-chip entire armies of anti-human simians so they can be controlled remotely through wi-fi networks. Robots won’t fight the war if they can get mind-controlled monkeys to do it for them.
Here’s how the mainstream media reported yet another public manifestation of the monkey insurgency side of Nature’s War On Humans :
A chimp in Japan escaped the sweltering confines of his cage, and a zookeeper with a tranquilizer gun proved no match for this feisty animal.
The chimp pounced on the ledge, grabbing the barrel of the zookeeper’s tranquilizer gun and snatching it away, leaving the poor human defenseless.
…all it took to subdue the chimp was the promise of banana.
However, subduing revolutionary monkeys with fresh fruit will only work for so long.
The robots will obviously sell their anti-human coalition plans to the monkeys by promising to transform the human population into banana farmers for the victorious monkeys once the war is over.
Nature lost control of us, a long time ago. We can win the monkeys over to our side with the temptations and luxuries of non-jungle (and non-zoo) living, including electric blankets, toilet paper, free porn and frappuccinos.
The War On Nature Must Be Fought, And It Must Be Won
